


One thing you're not

by whyzee



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 14:22:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18812704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whyzee/pseuds/whyzee
Summary: "And you didn't make me. I made the decision just as you made the decision," his own voice starts to waver. Did Ash really believe he forced Eiji into this? That thought alone is so heart-breaking.





	One thing you're not

_Scrub._

 

_Scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub._

 

Ash digs the rough sponge into his skin for the umpteenth time.

 

Why was he doing this again? He’s done this enough times to know it does jack shit for the dirty feeling. He’s been over this with his therapist. Eiji's said it a million times. He’s not dirty. It’s not him who’s dirty. But does it really matter when he can’t say this to himself?

 

He's still not clean. With his bare hands he claws at his flesh, cleaning out every square inch, every  _orifice -_

 

His skin feels raw now. Add to that the constant jet of scorching water, and it burns. The dirty feeling doesn’t go away, it never does – but somehow, this is perfect. He _deserves_ this. He deserves this for ever believing there was any hope for him, for believing there are people who love him, for passing on this _filth_  to the first and only person who welcomed him with open arms.

 

Eiji is an angel. Ash is just another one of those bastards. Another one of those monsters, lusting after what catches their eyes as beautiful. after the defenseless.

 

Eiji said yes to what he thought they both wanted then, but Eiji _always_ says yes, it doesn’t mean that was what he really wanted. How could he let lust blind him to that? To think he actually believed things were finally getting better just an hour ago when they had their bodies entwined, sweat mixed; crying out each other’s names. It’s so laughable now. And he genuinely enjoyed it. He _enjoyed_ it. That’s a huge part of the problem.

 

He doesn’t realize he’s been scrubbing at the same spot throughout his monologue, and it's just starting to scrape and bleed. It's hard to tell though, as the shower washes away the blood as it forms, diluting the red to nothingness in mere seconds. Just as it does his never-stopping tears. If only it was that easy to rid himself of the rest. It doesn’t really matter what they did to him anymore, it’s all in the past. But it’s a curse – he is now the very part of the crowd of monsters he so deathly despised for the largest part of his life.

 

“Ash? Are you in there? I really need the toilet – “

 

He jumps at the voice of the love of his life – he hasn’t accounted for this. Panicking, he turns the water off, lousily dabs at his raw skin with a towel, and throws a bathrobe on.

 

He opens the door and fakes a yawn.

 

It's obvious Ash has been crying. Sure, the water did a good job at hiding tears, but the bloodshot eyes give him away. His hair is also dripping wet – didn’t Ash already have, what, _two_ other showers earlier today?

 

Eiji rushes into the bathroom first, though – he doesn’t want to jump to conclusions. That, and he’s been holding it in for as long as Ash was in there, which was at least an hour. This is when he notices the white body towel bundled up on the floor in the corner – was that _blood_?

 

“Ash, are you hurt?” He rushes out frantically, and his heart races even more when he finds their double bed empty. “ _Ash!”_

He finally finds Ash sitting in the dark on the sofa, flipping through channels on their widescreen TV. The expression on his face is obvious to Eiji – this is his “leave me alone” face. But Eiji is about to ignore that.

 

“Are you hurt?” He asked again. He stops himself from reaching out to check. Did he hurt him? Guilt overflowed his being. “I’m so sorry – “

 

“I did this to myself.”

 

“Ash, stop,” He feels his nose tingle and swallows curtly – he didn’t have the right to cry. “It’s my fault – “

 

Even at this point Eiji was trying to take the blame. He’s so good to him. He’s too good for him.

 

“No, Eiji.” He doesn’t even look at the older boy, his eyes staring blankly through the screen. “I literally did it to myself. I scrubbed myself until it bled.” His voice is blunt as his desperately blurts out his confession to defend Eiji. Eiji just looks at him, taking it all in. “Outside, inside. I cleaned everything –“ his voice wavers, “but it’s…it’s not _enough,_ I still – “

 

He can’t finish his sentence. Vocalizing it was somehow impossible without losing his composure. But he kind of already did.

 

"I'm just like them. I made you, I –"

 

Things are starting to come together. Eiji has become quite good at picking up the signs.

 

"You're not like them, Ash. That's so, so, so far from the truth."

 

No rebuttal, so he continued.

 

"And you didn't make me. I made the decision just as you made the decision," his own voice starts to waver. Did Ash really believe he forced Eiji into this? That thought alone is so heart-breaking.

 

He leans in and wraps his arms around Ash, quite gingerly at first, but he tightens his embrace when he feels Ash lean towards him in return. Ash's bathrobe felt cold, and it’s soaked right through now. Ash was full-on sobbing.

 

So he holds him, he holds him for as long as he needed to be held and let it all out. It’s the least he can do.

 

"I'm sorry," it comes as a surprise again. What is it this time? "You don't have to do this. You don't owe me anything."

 

"But I want to, Ash." Perhaps he sounded a tad offended. "This is my choice too, you know." His voice softens, both in volume and in character. "Please don't apologize." His attention comes to the dampness of the situation again. "Hold on a second."

 

Eiji brings out two clean towels and hands one to Ash, who half-slips out of his robe and wraps the towel over his torso. Eiji fans out the other over his hair and gently massages it dry.

 

"Listen to me, Ash," he somehow feels the need to say this again. "You’re not dirty, you're not the one who is." Ash just looks up at him quietly. "You can call me a grandpa or a broken record all you want, but I'm going to keep saying it until you can believe it." Ash is still staring up at his face, eyes a mix of admiration and gratitude. And Eiji thought he saw his head move in the tiniest nod. He smiles. He's confident this is getting through to him. They’ve come so far already, compared to just a few months ago. He just needs more time, and all they have now is time. It’s going to be just fine.

 

"Now, can I see those scratches? Let's get you patched up."

**Author's Note:**

> A one-shot to go with this drawing: https://twitter.com/nakimooshi/status/1127297264362201088  
> Originally inspired by the lyrics "どんなに綺麗にみせたってきっとどっかじゃ汚いんだろう" from andymori's "teen's".  
> (“It doesn’t matter how hard you clean it; it’s surely still going to be dirty somewhere” but also  
> “No matter how beautiful [you] manage to make it look, surely, it’s still going to be dirty somewhere”)


End file.
